god bless the printed word

For so long, the concept of sitting down and reading a book, for God's sake, sitting down and reading it, seemed like the most foreign thing due to my mind's overload of other everyday thoughts. But if there's one good thing about this solitude and quarantine is the free time. To think, to reconcile my true intentions with what should really be done. To evaluate myself and contemplate how I got to this lowly state. The constant ambivalence can often be too much to bear, back and forth between what I know my body, mind and soul needs, versus that sickly feeling I learned to embrace and long for most days. The shivering, the roaring, empty stomach, seeing stars after a cigarette or glass of champagne. Nothing to absorb or be absorbed. Christ, that's what it was all about, nothingness. I felt as though life was at a dead end, and sometimes still do. There are so many things I want to pursue; traveling, kindling relationships, reaching optimal self-acceptance by any means, physical and emotional. But life was a broken record. Wake up and do the same thing, day in and day out. Fuck the serotonin boost after seeing another rib, or my puny wrist bones and veiny tendons shifting shapes when I typed a goddamn text message. The sunken-in cheeks, the dark under-eye circles, I lived for that shit. What happened? 

Jesus, where was I? Oh, yes, the printed word. Books. Glorious books. I decided to re-read a couple of my favorites by the almighty Salinger including "Franny & Zooey" (emotionally taxing) and "The Catcher In the Rye" (idea-provoking). How wonderful it feels to hold that book in my hand and be able to focus on turning the damn pages, actually going somewhere with the story instead of reading the same fucking sentence over and over from lack of interest or ability to focus. It's those little things that push me that much further to accepting the idea of being healthy, being fully recovered and not wanting that lightheaded high. 

First stop upon discharge: Powell's books. In the meantime, Goodreads will have to suffice. (See sidebar widget for details.)

#word