cessation

And here I sit alone, again, contemplating everything that's been racing through my mind throughout the past two weeks in treatment. They said when I was admitted that it'd be seven to ten days in order for me to become "medically stabilized." I thought for sure it couldn't take more than seven, but god only knows how long I was torturing my heart from lack of nutrients, not to mention the cigarettes, glasses of wine, excessive exercise, you name it. I honestly didn't feel (and still to this day do not feel) that I was dangerously thin, even though in my right mind I know there is a reason I've been in this excruciating predicament for the past (almost) fifteen days. Yes, you could see my ribs; yes, my spine hurt every time I would lean back on a chair with little padding; yes, I was dizzy, trembling, freezing, hazy, fatigued, the list goes on. But regardless of the fact that I was literally almost dying, most days when I looked in the mirror at my dark circles, sunken-in cheeks, exhausted eyes and protruding bones, I felt as if I was on top of the world. I loved that emptiness, that liberating sensation of food no longer having the ability to dictate my bodily functions, or cause me any trouble throughout the day. I was convinced that even though I could barely get through the day mentally and physically unscathed from mundane tasks that the "average" person (or shall I say, individual without an eating disorder) should effortlessly plow through, I was at my physical peak. Surely. 

Intellect tells me I was sick, but that ana-voice screams at me with serious intentions of a relapse when I see how much bigger I've become in such a short span of time here in treatment. The words large, fat, big, and for god's sake, even thick evoke feelings of physical armageddon in my mind. I fucking hate that I'll probably never be able to accept myself for who I am, what I'm supposed to weigh or what size I'm supposed to fit into without feeling chest pains or having my anemia spiral out of control. I fucking hate food and society, the media's messages and positive reinforcement from strangers who matter so damn much...why? Maybe I'll never understand. I wish there was an off switch in my head.

#rant